5 Reasons Why Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder Should Get Together ASAP

I have a very important announcement to make: Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder must get together immediately. Please, take this information and tell your friends, call your Congressman and representatives, write letters to newspaper op-ed sections, and generally do anything you can to get the message out. Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder need to rock each other’s bods hard. And it needs to be now.

In case you weren’t aware, Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder have a new romantic comedy out soon called ‘Destination Wedding.’ The producers, distribution company, and/or the marketing firm working on the film did not pay us to promote the film. We have absolutely zero financial or promotional interest in championing this film or highlighting it in any way. I want this to be clear that I don’t particularly care about Destination Wedding’s success or failure. All I care about is that it reunited Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder, and reinforced the truth that they must take the train to the bonezone ASAP.

1. There are no two celebrities in history that have aged as well as these two


Entertainment Tonight / Youtube

Look at these two unbelievable hotties – how old do you think they are? Maybe, like, late 30s, max? WRONG. Winona Ryder is 46 years old and Keanu Reeves is 53. KEANU REEVES IS SIGNIFICANTLY OLDER THAN TED CRUZ BUT STILL LOOKS LIKE A DAMN SNACC.

There is something between the gene pools of these two individuals that would be indestructible if combined. I’m not saying they HAVE to have a child together or anything, but if they DID, that child would be a perfect immortal unaging being who could transcend time and beauty and deliver a new age of utopian bliss to all humanity. That’s all.

But regardless of that, these two are good-lookin’ people who should be getting ALL UP in each other’s business (sex-wise).

2. They CLEARLY want each other





Entertainment Tonight / Youtube

These two can barely contain their horniness for one another. Winona’s stumbling over her own words to express her decades-long crush on Keanu, while even the normally cool-and-collected Reeves finds himself getting a little awkward trying to explain how SMOKING he finds Winona Ryder to this day.

3. They might be legally married already anyhow so hey, why not?


Columbia Pictures

While promoting Destination Wedding (again, a film neither myself nor CollegeHumor has any vested interested in, I cannot emphasize that enough), Ryder and Reeves (OH MAN even their last names look good together) revealed that….they might already actually be married anyhow. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, they remembered their characters being wed on the set of Bram Stoker’s Dracula….and a real Romanian priest was used to preside over the (fictional) ceremony.

“We actually got married in Dracula. No, I swear to god I think we’re married in real life. In that scene, Francis [Ford Coppola] used a real Romanian priest. We shot the master and he did the whole thing. So I think we’re married.”

Even better, the wedding scene was filmed ON VALENTINE’S DAY. So they may not be “legally” married (since no paperwork was filed), but they COULD be sorta married in the eyes of the Romanian church. And if you’re already married, you might as well go wild on each other’s genitals for a while, right?

4. They would be providing hope for us all


Sunshine Pictures

I already look worse than Keanu Reeves, and I’m about 20 years younger than him. But if these two can get together this late in their lives, it’ll be a beacon of hope to all of us – that we can still get hot even when we’re 53, and hook up with a fairly-close-in-age hottie as well. We don’t need to resign ourselves to being old and ugly and having to settle – we can be hot and find a dream partner who’s been crushin on us for 30 years too.

5. They both seem like sweet wonderful humans and they should be in each other’s lives forever


Entertainment Tonight / Youtube

I’ve written before about what a sweet, kind, loving human being Keanu Reeves seems to be (based on the anecdotes of others, at least – I don’t personally know him!), and Winona Ryder is absolutely a treasure to this world as well. Just as a single example, she personally offered up $200,000 as ransom in the early 90s when a young girl from her hometown was kidnapped – and when the child was ultimately found murdered, Ryder dedicated her role in the film Little Women to her memory. Basically, they’re both sweet kind people – and neither are currently (according to what I can tell) in a romantic relationship with anyone else, and both have suffered heartbreaks throughout the years (especially Keanu Reeves – there’s a much darker undercurrent behind the ‘Sad Keanu’ meme from a few years back, as he has had numerous people very close to him die premature deaths).

These are two people who have been in each others’ lives (in one way or another) for about 30 years – they’re comfortable with one another, they get along well, they’ve got DYNAMITE chemistry, and they both are hot as hell. It’s the classic romantic comedy trope – two longtime friends, unlucky in love, realize the true “one” they were meant for was there the entire time. Keanu and Winona, in my personal opinion, you two should start knockin’ boots together. You deserve it. We deserve. The world deserves it.

Leave a comment

Shopping cart