5 Signs Jesus Was Probably Gay

Regardless of whether you believe Jesus of Nazareth was the son of God and the messiah to mankind, his story of love, sacrifice, and and humility is one that can and should be an inspiration to everyone. So when people use the figure of Jesus Christ to promote bigotry, hatred, and division, it’s strange – it’s the exact OPPOSITE of everything Jesus stood for. Especially weird when that bigotry is against LGBTQ+ people. Because, ya know….

Jesus was probably gay. But before you dismiss this outright, try to keep an open mind and listen to our reasonable and logical points:

1. An UNMARRIED 30-something in ancient times who NEVER had a girlfriend? Wow, definitely sounds like your average heterosexual dude.

jesus was probably gay

Jesus of Nazareth was a rabbi – do you know how WEIRD it would have been to be an unmarried rabbi in his early 30s in that time and in that area? Here’s the answer – EXTREMELY WEIRD. Unless, of course, you were gay – and obviously couldn’t be “out” with that, so you just remained a “confirmed bachelor”, even though everyone else would know EXACTLY what your whole deal was.

2. Maintained an absolutely killer body at all times, despite never going after any ladies. Hmmm…

jesus was probably gay

Yeah, lots of unmarried, no girlfriend dudes just get themselves INSANELY killer bodies with shredded abs, for uhhh no reason at all. Yep, definitely not a gay thing at all to maintain a fit, lean body and then never ever show any interest in women whatsoever.

Especially when your friend group consists entirely of 12 other dudes.

3. Oh right, he hangs out pretty exclusively with a group of 12 dudes whose main thing in common is they’re all VERY into him

jesus was probably gay

Ahhh yeah, definitely normal hetero behavior to exclusively hang out with a group of 12 other dudes, having fancy dinners together, and traveling together, whose only thing in common were that they were all SUPER into the lead dude. Also, like any gay friend group, there was one backstabbing bitchy one who everyone keeps hanging out with for some reason even though he just LIVES for drama.

4. Extremely close with his mother, super distant relationship with his dad

jesus was probably gay

Again, this is mostly focused on gay stereotypes, but the classic gay man stereotype 100% involves being super close to your mother and having a more strained, distant relationship with your dad. And given Jesus’ dad was….God, I’d say that was pretty distant. His mom was always there for him and fretting over him, while his dad…well, he wasn’t very “present.” Out of the picture, you might even say.

5. VERY opinionated and preachy

jesus was probably gay

Wow, that Jesus guy? Had a LOT of opinions on how others should live their lives, and was ALWAYS “sermonizing” towards anyone who would listen – about living lives of charity, about taking care of the weak, the poor, the ill, and the elderly, about the importance of love and tolerance. Again, we kind of HAVE to generalize to make this point, but a shredded dude who only hangs out with other dudes constantly telling everyone else how to not be problematic? Does that sound like your average straight dude, or someone from the cast of Queer Eye?

Still don’t believe me? Just read John 12:14 – 

And Jesus, when he had found a young ass, sat thereon; as it is written.

C’mon. Just accept that Jesus was LGBTQ+ and move on. If you’re offended by this, try being less of a snowflake and learn to listen to reason and logic.

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