A Eulogy For My Spotify App I Closed Accidentally While Closing Other Apps


Thanks for coming out everybody. I think it’s a testament to the life my Spotify app led to see so many of you out in the congregation today. While it may have been an app specifically on my phone, its reach extended to all of you in the form of whenever I had the aux cord in the car, or when I made those playlists for the few of you I was interested in sexually.

Yes, I am the one to blame my Spotify app’s life being cut tragically short. It is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. While happily listening to ‘Someone Saved My Life Tonight’ by Elton John while walking my dog, I did that thing where you double tap the home button and I saw just way too many open apps running, draining my battery and devouring my data. I swiped all the way to the right and began, one by one, swiping up and ridding myself of each of the little leeches.

My Gmail app.



“Sitting like a princess perched in her electric chair”, Elton John crooned.



An app that gives affordable recipes for healthy meals that I used once and paid $2.99 for.

“Altar-bound, hypnotized” Elton continued, not knowing this was his swan song.



I guess you always think things will end in some big climactic way, like in a movie. Like life will wrap up in a pretty little bow that justifies the journey as a whole. But as I found out, sometimes things end at 3:48 when they were meant for 6:45. I know that sounds like too long song, but I assure you Elton builds it so well. There’s not a second that isn’t earned.

But today is no day to be sorrowful. My Spotify app would have hated that. It would’ve wanted us to remember the good times: like when my Discovery Weekly playlist like really fucking nailed it one week. Or when we made a bomb party playlist for that Super Bowl party at my apartment but some dude I didn’t know kept trying to unplug my iPhone and play his music so then we kicked him out and kept playing our shit.

For every life lost, a new one is given to us. In death, we find rebirth. And by that of course I mean that after closing the app I reopened it seconds later and picked right back up where I left off. The song was even paused right where I had left it. Pretty cool you guys.

I can’t think of a more fitting send off to the app I accidentally closed and then reopened and ultimately everything was fine than Sir Elton John’s beautiful lyrics from ‘Someone Saved My Life Tonight’, “You’re a butterfly. And butterflies are free to fly. Fly away. High away. Bye bye.” Thank you all for coming.

Leave a comment

Shopping cart