Firework Hacks From Me, Your Uncle With 8 Fingers

Hey kiddo! I know you’re excited for the fourth of July coming up and there’s a lot to be excited for: the grill cooking up some ‘dogs, your first kiss with Stephanie Montoya by the tire swing (just teasing ya’ buddy!), but most importantly lighting up the good ol’ fireworks and watching some beautiful explosions in the sky. So, who better to teach you all about some nifty tricks and hacks than me, your uncle with 8 fingers?

firework uncle with 8 fingers

Light ‘Em Up

Listen, if there’s one thing you gotta know, is that you’re gonna need a few lighters. These things don’t light themselves up, ya know! So buy a bulk pack from Publix and scatter them throughout the yard. Under your mom’s 2002 Buick Park Avenue back-left tire was my go to, when I could still light fireworks. Without a thumb it is very hard to turn the dang thing on.

The Fire Skates

An old family secret, I’m surprised your dad didn’t teach you before he ran off to roadie for 3 Doors Down is to put two high power roman candles on your rollerblades. I mean this one is just epic. You’re gonna go careening down the street at speeds up to 15 mph. I wish I could have done it but, as you know, it’s hard to grab things for balance and to slow down when you’ve lost 2 important fingers.

The Dirty Baby

Next and perhaps one of the most fun things you can do is what we call “The Dirty Baby” which is when you tape about $200 of firecrackers together and light them on fire. They will explode and shoot just about everywhere. They’re going to come right after you just like the police came after your dad for his crimes against humanity. But me, you’re ol buddy and uncle with 8 fingers (7 of which work) would never have the cops come after me, heck, I barely have any memory after my accident!

firework uncle with 8 fingers

Every Kiss Begins With Sparklers

Sometimes, the little guys are the most fun. If you and your lover girl Stephanie Montoya get some alone time Sparklers can come in handy! (Again, just messing with ya, buddy!) But seriously, keep some on ya’ but be careful not to touch the hot rod of metal, it’ll burn your fingers RIGHT off.

Iron Gloves

Lastly, this is most important: Safety is sexy. You want to be safe so you don’t end up like me. I wish I had been safe in the kitchen when I cut my fingers off trying to open a can of Chef Boyardee beef ravioli.

Yep, that’s right. I lost my fingers opening a can of delicious beef raviolis and not fireworks.

chef boyardee canSheila Fitzgerald /

Also come on, don’t actually do these things. It’s unsafe.

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