1. The Interrogator
We’ve all been there before: end up with an Uber driver who’ll bombard you with five questions before you can even say, “please just leave me alone.” At first, he’ll be polite by offering you his stash of
This person loves working on his stealth startup, which, of course, he’ll end up revealing anyway because he just can’t help himself. His biggest LinkedIn endorsement is “Pitching,” so he makes sure to practice this on you until kingdom come. Eccentric is one word to describe him as he frequently dishes out intelligent-sounding words like “disrupt” and “pivot to disrupt.” He’ll make sure that you know with absolute certainty that he is an Entrepreneur with a capital “E.” Don’t be surprised if you receive a LinkedIn Connect request later, in which he’ll pitch you *again* his blockchain for cats startup.
Making new friends as an adult is hard, but somehow, the conversation just flowed with this Uber driver. Both of you actively listened to each other, and you eventually learn that he’s a father of two who just went through a divorce. Because he was vulnerable, you confide to him that you still miss your ex, and that he totally “understands where you’re coming from.” From discussions that range from millennial culture to venting shared frustrations about jazz, the conversation felt too natural to be true. Even though you’ll never see him again, you can’t help but wonder if you two would’ve been friends if you had met at a mutual friend’s gathering or Coachella.
From the moment you sit down and feel the vibes of your driver, the your fight or flight instincts kick in. He reeks of expired garlic, the seats are littered with Red Bulls, and he’s wearing a Fedora. You can’t quite place your thumb on what’s off about the situation, but you’re praying that he doesn’t notice you texting your parents, “I love you guys, thank you for everything.” Death has only been an intellectual concept to you, but now it feels real, and you’ve come to grips with facing a homicide inside a beige 1996 Toyota Corolla. But before you know it, you arrive at your destination and everything is fine.
5. The Artist
While most Uber drivers are out to make extra money, this one is out to make money in order support his art and Moleskin notebook addiction. He’s all about his Art with a capital “A”, and thus has a passion for collecting stories from passengers and pawning them off as his own in his forthcoming novella about Moleskin notebooks. He only does this because he once read a Picasso quote about how great artists steal, but it’s clear that he took it a bit too literally. He tells you that he’s thinking about starting a podcast.
Everybody’s going through a hard time, but this one’s going through a Hard Time with a capital “H.” Recently evicted from his apartment, he’s barely making ends meet. You wish you could console him, but he keeps getting distracted with phone calls from the state collections agency. His adorable dog is next you vomiting, but you totally get it since he can’t afford to take Helo to the vet. You’ve never been a participant in a Shakespearean tragedy before, but there’s a first time for everything.
This is the Uber driver we all desire — the ride-sharing experience’s Holy Grail. He says “hello” and that’s it — no strings attached. You’re left alone for the rest of your ride, bathing inside a whirlpool of your anxieties and all the things that are horrible in your life. At first, the awkward silence is existentially crippling, but after a while, you eventually forget your worries the moment you launch Instagram. You give him five stars.