The United States Military Ranks, Officially Ranked


Even if you’re just a ‘citizen’, you’ve probably heard at least in passing of something called the United States Military. Much like Overwatch heroes, the people comprising the United States Military fight for victory against their enemies, and defend their allies. But which rank of the United States Army is best? Granted, there’s no way to know for sure, but just for fun we set out to create the DEFINITIVE list on which rank is best.

If you disagree with our definitive list of United States Military ranks, make sure to let us know in the comments!

9. General of the Army

Without a doubt, the worst rank of the military is General of the Army. As the second highest possible rank in the army, your level of responsibility is so much higher than others’, leaving you with much less personal time. Additionally, you are forever weighed down by five heavy metal stars that you are forced to wear (against your will). This rank is such a stinker that there hasn’t been someone in the role since Omar Bradley held the position back in 1950. Bradley became the last of nine to be promoted to this rank, and let me tell you, numbers don’t lie. If only nine people want to be General of the Army, it must not be very good. HARD PASS.

8. Sergeant First Class

Sergeant first class’ primarily deal in tactical logistics, tactical casualty evacuations, and serving as the senior tactical adviser to the platoon leader (Source:WIKIPEDIA.COM) That’s a little too tactical if you ask me. Don’t get me wrong, there’s always a time to be tactical. But all the time? Uh no thanks. I’ll pass right by this first class and happily take my seat in coach.

7. Major General

Remember that song in The Pirates of Penzance “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General?” That was pretty cool! 

6. Corporal (?)

Gonna level with you here, don’t know a whole lot about corporals. Just kinda a gut thing. Feels like 6 is where it belongs. By all means, if you’re a corporal, feel free to chime in here. I imagine it’s kinda straight down the middle. Like ordering a turkey sandwich from Subway.

5. Specialist

Look at the cool ass insignia you get to wear if you are a specialist! I would take this cool ass thing over a buncha stars any day of the week.

Also, the benefits of having ‘special’ as part of your name should be readily apparent. No need for daily affirmations when you are a specialist. You wake up every day, look down at your lil insignia and you know you’re special!

4. Colonel

Colonel Sanders, Colonel Mustard, popcorn colonels. Everywhere you look Colonels are being given a great name. You don’t need 11 herbs and spices to get yourself this rank in the military, nor do you need to knock someone with a wrench in the conservatory! No, all you need is to have 22 years of service and a minimum of three years of service as a lieutenant colonel before being promoted to Colonel. Worth it!

3. Brigadier General



On name alone, Brigadier General earns the number three spot. You can have the lamest name in the history of the universe, like I don’t know, let’s say Chiff Swippsy. You slap a Brigadier General in front of that bad boy? Now you’re Brigadier General Chiff Swippsy. Congratulations! You just went from acne ridden janitor at the soda jerk to thicc, barrel chested, hairy armed dude who yells a little too angrily at their kids soccer games.

2. Captain

The number two spot on our list can go to none other than Captain, for the obvious reason that both Captain Price and Captain Soap MacTavish from the Call of Duty games were both captains. Both of them are epic, and COD is epic. This one’s a no brainer. Also Cap’n Crunch.

1. Private

The lowest ranking position in the United States Army, and therefore the least responsible for the military-industrial complex and horrific wartime crimes is of course the Private. Additionally, Private also kinda means penis or vagina. Hell yes. It is the most densely populated rank because it’s the one that everyone starts out on, which means more friends! But don’t take it from me! Look how much fun Private Pyle from the film Full Metal Jacket is having!



Consider me Private Property, because I love it!

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